Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

LOL

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.