I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
#Caturday
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT