Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Going to church you guys need anything

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.