I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.