I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Stop being racist to kettles.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine