I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.