I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Beauty and the Beast
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.