I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,