I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful