I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Does beer think about me too?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂