I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.