I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
By Kate Hatos
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
it’s the silliest best thing
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”