@Tobi_Is_Fab

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

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@Ygrene

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

@junejuly12

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

@dmc1138

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

@Gupton68

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

@wisemanirrvrent

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

@Philosopherbing

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle