I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
It’s the weekend y’all
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too