I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box


Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.


My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.


Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.


I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.


I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.


When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.


[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet


People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle