I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that