“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.