I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.