I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
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[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..