I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Phones down.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…