I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Beware of fowl play.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
long lost
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
men are simple creatures
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate