@aveuaskew
@BringDaNoyz “What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
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@BringDaNoyz 
@Freeman4all33 It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
@HaliPhacks Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
@petemandik In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
@Browtweaten me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
@daemonic3 [math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
@MadHatterMommy My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
@Jake_Vig It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
@david8hughes [son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
@Fred_Delicious “ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”