I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

You Might Also Like


“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”



It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii


Music Royalty Succession Chart

Duke Ellington
Steve Earle
Lady Gaga
Sir Mix-a-Lot


In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.


me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast


[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”



My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”


It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.


[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over


[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”