“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”