I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Nice try, NASA
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃