I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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(Musicians.)
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish