I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
You Might Also Like
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”