I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
the dark web is just a goth google.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Last-minute gift idea!
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that