I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
HERE’S MARKY
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.