I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Go hard or stay average
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
estão todos miauvindo?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.