I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Perfect
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon