I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”