I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.