I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.