I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A bold strategy
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.