i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.


I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.


in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star


Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass


Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*


Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house


I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.


My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.


When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house