i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Strangers have the best candy.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?