I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.