I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me trying to reach for my goals
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.