I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so