I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Do not steal food from the science building!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: