I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
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“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.