I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.