I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.