I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Just so funny
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”