I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
This January has 47 Mondays
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.