I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*jazz hands*
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.