I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.