I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Canadian owl: Eh?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.