I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
#inspiration #foodforthought
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
lmfao come on
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
We need more people like this.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
me when the borders lift
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?