I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁