@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

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@TheTimmyToes

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

@DanglesTV2

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

@noog

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

@colegamble

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

@RodLacroix

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@Shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@dafloydsta

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.