I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
You Might Also Like
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?