I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?