I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!